I’ve been taking A LOT of pictures since the beginning of instagram, and the other day I thought “why shouldn’t I write about them as well?”. Every day there are 3 meals, most of the time, and I sometimes go to places where I wouldn’t mind sharing with friends and family. So from now on, instead of bitching here with all my rant, I will write on delicious FOOD!
More to come! 🙂
It’s almost that same time that comes every year, except this year there had been downs, and bottoms. What is important is I am still here, biting on my lips, trying to keep my head in the right direction. It’s been disturbing how I want to keep playing games during my most busiest times, and thinking about an impossible future in the gaming industry; in the cyber world. Video games keep coming back in my most darkest times, and even at bright times, I wonder what I am able to do and affect on the cyber world, but this “abnormal” path is so rejected by the community around me. Given then asian background, i cant disagree more about how narrow this slim opportunity is, to be those famous cyber athletes or to make a name out of my own work; what am i capable of? Many might argue about what God has to say on this topic, i sometimes wonder too…what ARE his views on the cyber world. I see the opportunities and the upcoming generation, but what should I do? Classes that I’m in have almost no correlation with this area…the only thing I was able to grasp this semester is a chance to write about esports in my culture class. I wonder what sort of answers i can find.
Came across this Chinese piece of blog/poem
Dang. Her (I think the author was a her) writing skills are crazy x.x Also shows how with just a few Chinese words, it can clearly express what’s going through the writer’s feelings. (Asian pride*) LOL
Well….Lemme know what you think in the comments below!
I’m sure this piece of work had been around for a while…however I could not find the original author to credit him.
This little read has taught me to become how to be a good boyfriend, and how to be more observant of those that are dear to me. Though I am now single, I would say that with the time together with my ex, I am proud to say that I kept the hype up. The “honeymoon” period seemed to last for a very long time, each time I saw her, I had butterflies in my tummy. Though why we started to walk different paths you ask? Incompatible and long distance. Here’s the text.
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When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.
So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
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Winter is coming, wear a coat! 🙂
上帝會保佑我的 愛情總會來的
我在夢中一切都有 可惜現實呀 常常是相反的
愛她的男人很多 那我又算什麼 我在雨中喝著悶酒
反正幸福呀 對我是奢侈的
心裡太清楚了 其實她不愛我
奇怪 地球上怎麼會沒有人 看上我
神啊 救救我吧 一把年紀了 一個愛人都沒有
孤獨是可憐的 如果沒愛過 人生是黑白的
神啊 救救我吧 一個人晃了半輩子了 為什麼
我這樣的男人哪 就快要絕種 她呢 又在哪兒
This song came back to me during a concert I heard a last week. When 陳小春 made this song, he was also single, lonely, had no one. But today, he’s married with the love of his life and enjoying her company all because of God (actually I don’t know if he’s a Christian..but anyways..). I know God has prepared that someone, I know he won’t let me be alone, I know he has the best saved up for me, but when will I get it? Perhaps I shouldn’t be focusing on getting it, but just to continue to walk on my path, blindfolded.
What hurts more? Truths or lies? On the time scale of things, I would like to say truth. They are immediate, direct, and to the point. Usually lies aren’t really “lies” until they are figured out; they are later, indirect, and usually around the point just to convince whoever you are trying to convince. Though truths hurt more but I think that I’d still like to speak truths, especially when it comes to the word of God. Though I am not perfect, thought I make mistakes, but when God works through me, I know that those are real “truth”. I don’t know if that made sense, but in some frames of my life, there had been a few cases where I know it was the right thing to do. Those moments I can describe as miracles that has happen in my life, or “God-stories”. I wish I could share more God-stories, but I’m only limited to like 2 atm. One was asking my ex out, and the other was figuring out God is who I believe in. These 2 “gifts” came together at the same time and they both came to me as if all I had to do was to accept it. Jesus has freed us from our sins before we know, and this gift is offered to anyone who follows his words. And he will always have the best for you. Like my life atm, though it is in a ditch considering the shit that I just got out of, it is only a phase where I have grown from. What is better has yet to come. All I need to do is to stick to Him and he will give me something so awesome that I can’t even understand. He won’t always want us to be in pain, He wants us to be happy too.
Though the content is mainly aimed for females, but as a newly born again Christian, there are some main areas which I need to spend some time on. I’m the kind of guy where I’m more emotional, and going with what it feels right sometimes. I also notice the small changes and the small movements of those who are close to me. The little difference in habits and behaviors, I tend to “think too much” and speculate on whether something has happened, or if it was something that I had done to cause such a turbulence. As I keep reading this article, there was one point where I struggled with; “If the guy is a believer, is he a strong one? Will he lead you in prayer, Bible reading, family devotions, and public worship? Or will you be on your own? Is he going to make spiritual growth a priority or do other things come first? Is he going to ask you how it’s going with your soul so he can help you grow in holiness and love for Christ, or will he leave that to your pastor? Is he going to lead the children in this, or will you have to spearhead that? In church, is he going to help the kids sit well, pray, find the hymn, or will you be the one pointing out what is happening next and helping the family keep up?” Am I a believer? Yep. Am I a strong one? I think I am. Leading in prayer, bible reading, family devotions, public worship….. erm….
I grew up in a non-Christian family, but in a Christian school. The idea of “going to church” is not new, but the things behind Sundays/Sabbath/devotions are still relatively new. There are no examples for me to look at because my family aren’t Christians… But I did learn quite a number of things from my ex girlfriend and how her family does things. Though the content I did not get to, but the fact that every Sunday they get together, do a chapter of reading, discuss it, leads this “mandatory” meeting a time to connect with each other through God. There are no lies, there’s nothing wrong, because you can never hide anything from God. Since I came back to Hong Kong this year in August, I’ve finally started to keep devotions as a daily habit. Just a short little read when I get up, and sometimes before I sleep. Maybe it was because I needed His words the most at the time, I am still keeping to it because I believe this can help me become a “stronger” believer. I do not know what it takes for me to understand the norms of how a Christian family works, but I hope that in my future, whoever is the one that is meant to be with me till the end, to really teach me ways in running a family. Spiritually, I am strong. Physically, I think I am. Emotionally….I think is my weakest and my EQ needs improvement. Takes too long for me to recover from different events that happens to me. Whether it’s a breakup, a bad grade, I need to learn to accept things better, and not to keep making excuses.
Moving on… 😛 movember maybe?
I was making lunch the other day, just something simple. I had veggies with pork. I marinated the pork when I got up early in the morning because I wanted the flavor to sink in a little bit more. As I was cooking for lunch, I was going through the same process, same procedures, almost the same amount of salt as I could remember from the last time I was making this dish. But the results were terrible. Not only did I not cook the veggies thoroughly, I added too much salt, and I think I had mistaken sugar for salt. Also, I’ve added too much water for making the rice, hence extra soggy and extra tasteless. This is when I realized how much I still have to recover. I kept telling myself that “it’s over” “it’s done” “let it go” “get over her” “forget about her” “move on”, I’ve also been satisfied about how I feel, being more calm if I recall any past memories. My heartache comes back less and less, and I think my heart is ready to really “move on”. But this cooking story has proved me wrong. The lunch was so bad that I almost wanted to just throw everything in the bin. However, I didn’t. I ate all the crap that I made, I finished the rice, I ate EVERYTHING. Swallowing the bits of anger, frustration, and letting it sink in, just so I can recall where I had gone wrong. Nothing seemed wrong, but the results speaks differently.
After that incident last week, I started cooking more again, for myself and for my family. Through this I understood that I didn’t really have to bear everything myself, my family is there for me, always. No matter how salty it tasted, how bland it tasted, they were willing to eat with me, and enjoy our time together. I cook better now though 😀
My thoughts are still everywhere, and this blog has been a good example of how I am still unable to function properly… but it will act as a journal which I can continue to rant xD
“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” -Romans 12:21
This quote came to me from my daily reading plan from my bible app yesterday on Monday, October 21st. I’ve been asking myself for the past month and more now what is wrong with me? I remember there was this 9gag picture from a while back, it first showed a picture of a ‘previous’ self being punched by a ‘now’ self. I cannot relate more with this. All the wrong things I could have done, I have done, and all the things I should have done, I did none. Once upon a time, in December 2009, I had a wound. Eventually, it became a scar. 2013, I began to scratch on the scar, now it became a deeper scar.
Where can I go from this? These are not my only scars, but scars that add in to the library of scars engraved on my heart. However, the heart still keeps beating. It will continue to throw itself out there, in the world of risks and danger, just to find its ‘yang’. No matter how many times it has to be hurt, no matter how many times it needs to repair, the heart will always get to the goal, to finish up the puzzle that was always missing a half; because God had already matched it long before I was born. I only need to know to keep following Him because He will “always give me what is best for me”.
Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcrbM1l_BoI
Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can’t tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start…
angooose 